![]() Not only does it help you cover your bases as far as possible behaviors, it may even get some creative juices flowing and spark new ideas for play! An example of a yes/no/maybe list is our Informed Consent Agreement Checklist (see below) that you can use as a template to create your own! One way to do this is to each fill out a list and compare responses, or you can go through the list together. Although you may not be planning on engaging in kinky behavior, a yes/no/maybe list of potential sexual behaviors and situations can be very helpful in establishing your menu for the evening. In the kink/BDSM play “negotiation,” kink inventories are often used. Although you should continue to check in for consent throughout the encounter, establishing an agreement beforehand allows you to know what to do to make an encounter as enjoyable as possible while reducing the risk of doing something a partner dislikes or violating their consent (Harris, 2015). To make sure you cover all of your bases, it’s always best to have a thorough conversation to establish a mutual agreement before beginning any play. ![]() Lastly, opening up about intimate topics is hard, so when establishing consent, give yourself and your partner(s) credit and show gratitude!Īrousal can cloud your judgement, and once you’re already naked or in the middle of an act, there can be pressure to rush through a discussion (Harris, 2015). This doesn’t mean you should accept non-consensual behavior and it certainly doesn’t mean you should do anything that you do not freely and enthusiastically want to do it means that you should listen without judgment and respect that we all like different things, which is good! The BDSM respect rule is this: Don’t yuck someone’s yum, and don’t judge someone’s hard limits. It’s best to approach sexual topics with an open mind, a desire to understand, and a willingness to accept what your partner(s) is/are into even if you aren’t into it yourself (Devon & Miller, 1995). If someone isn’t clear, gently ask for clarification until you fully understand, and reflect back what you heard to make sure you have it right. First, when discussing with your partner(s) about what they do and don’t want out of sexual activity, listen carefully! People may have a hard time saying what they really mean, especially when it comes to sex. When you know what your partner(s) want(s), you can focus on their pleasure rather than worry about reading their mind.īasics of Communication in Mutual Consent Agreementsīefore getting into the how-tos of mutual consent agreements, let’s cover some of the basics. If you clearly communicate your needs and desires, you’ll be more present because you won’t be worried about your partner predicting what you want or be distracted by them doing something you don’t like (Devon & Miller,1995). By the time you may need to give your partner(s) guidance, communication has already been established and they have an idea of where to start (Harris, 2018). ![]() It’s better to set a precedent for open communication earlier on than to try to establish communication in the middle of the experience or to violate someone’s boundaries because they weren’t discussed (Harris, 2018). Besides the need for consent, everything else in a sexual encounter can be up for interpretation, so a mutual consent agreement allows you to come to a consensus about expectations, intentions, and safety (Devon & Miller, 1995). In other words, mutual consent agreements help establish and maintain consent! Think of a mutual consent agreement as an agreed-upon menu of sexual acts and how you may “bring them to the table” during the experience. Why Should You Care About Mutual Consent Agreements?Ī mutual agreement is a process by which boundaries, activities, and parties involved in a sexual encounter are mutually and openly discussed and agreed upon before engaging in play. Even if you aren’t planning on getting kinky or visiting a dungeon, you can still learn lessons on practicing consent from how BDSM/kink negotiations, or what we will call “mutual consent agreements,” are established. Communication about consent involves “negotiation” about what will and won’t occur in a “scene,” or an erotic encounter, before any play occurs and continued verbal and non-verbal communication. Because these behaviors often involve physical and/or psychological risk, consensual communication is the foundation of these practices. BDSM involves a variety of erotic practices and stands for Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism & Masochism, whereas kink is non-conventional sexual practice or fantasies. A group that understands the nuances of consent and focuses on “ safe, sane, and consensual” behavior is the BDSM/Kink community. ![]() Consent is a critical component of sexual play that is dependent on honest, mutual communication and respect for boundaries, especially when it comes to risky sexual behavior.
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